Cord Qvestions: an Interview vith ein Evil Mastersteind (In Full)

1. Why wait 45 years to come back and retake Kitchener-Waterloo Oktoberfest?

Vell you know, it vas quite a difficult dissolution between meine brother und I. I needed ze time to find myself. Now, on ze 45th anniversary of ze Oktoberfest, I feel zhat it is a time to unite ze people in an uprising und remind zhem, zhat Oktoberfest is a time for community… Oh und ze gut Beer of course.

Ze important zhing to remember is zhat if you believe in zhis community, und you believe in gut beer, zhat you are in fact EvilHans, und I have actually been here all along.

2. What can we expect from you this coming Festival? Any major plans?

I’ve only really just made it back in to town, so… vith the renovations on ze underground hideout, und catching up vith old friends, its been difficult to get much done.

As vell as ze fact zhat I have been doing many of ze interviews for new henchmen… Its been ein busy time. 

Zhis year, zhere shall be some events held at designated ‘EvilHans Secret Hideouts’ consisting of ze great venues, ze great people und some great Beer. You can look tovards places such as ze Uptown 21, Tacofarm, Imbibe und Beertown, vhich I know serve ze gut stuff… und not zhis nasty vatery beer.

Meine plans for hijacking ze parade floats aren’t going too vell… zhere are some difficulties in converting meine driving licence over, but I have thought about instead hiding behind a tree during ze ‘Tour de Hans’ und throwing sticks into ze riders spokes….

Apart from zhat, I vill be recruiting ze EvilHans Henchmen und Fräulein Fatales, und building meine Oktober Liberation Army for real beer und Community behaviour.

3. How many henchmen and Fräulein Fatales have signed up with your EvilHans organization? Are you pleased with the progress you are making?

Ja. It is going very well indeed, zhere have been a number of gut applications… some better zhan ze ozhers. But overall, it has gone far better zhan expected.

I am finding zhat once people realize zhat zhey are EvilHans, und it is actually up to zhem to spread ze vord of community und decent beer, it shall hopefully grow faster.

4. Your map of evil hideout locations seems to be growing, how many hideout locations are you hoping to have by the Festival?

It is growing… some of ze locations are in fact Super Secret, und even zhough I have been told about zhem, are located on campus, or at peoples homes und businesses… und do not vant to share zhese locations on ze interwebs, vhich is understandable.

Meine ambition is for people to hold zheir own events, or contact local venues to hold EvilHans events, to make sure ve are driving people to ze local businesses.

5. Are you the older or younger brother?

Ve are ze same age….kind of. You see time moves very differently for meine brother und I…. und I don’t know if you have noticed, but meine brother und I have a very different look und shade to our skin, Ze fact is, ve hide a deep and mysterious secret vhich cannot be shared….all I can say though is vith good beer comes eternal youth.

6. Why Victoria Park for an evil lair?

Gut qvestion. Ze taxes vere far more preferable zhan Vaterloo, und it vorked out much easier to tap into ze public vater und power lines. I had a little trouble getting ze required permits, but overall, it has been very easy to build an underground lair, under ze guise of ‘draining ze public pond for repairs’.

Access to ze downtown core vas also a preference vhen I vas scouting for ze ideal location.

7. What is your favourite thing about Waterloo Region?

Ze people here are very different, very open to colla’beer’ating vith each other und receptive to new ideas und goals.

8. What are some fun things that you enjoy doing?

I enjoy reading und spend a lot of time underground, therefore I vatch a lot of DVD movies as ze TV reception down here is terrible. I tried ze interweb dating, but didn’t have too much luck.

I spend a lot of time scouring around ze local areas of Kitchener und Vaterloo, taking in a number of local events. I have found an enormous amount of social activity in zhis region, and a fine, fine sense of community.

9. How do you feel about lederhosen?

Ja, Pretty gut, although meine are a little tight and leads to ze chaffing on occasion… I have heard zhat zhere are a number of locations for me to pick up a new pair, So any of zhose recommendations vould be greatly appreciated. 

10. Are you a fan of David Hasselhoff?

Ah… Ja, Dave und I go way back, vhile I vas still trying to find myself on my travels (I have been to many places), I spent some time on set during ze filming of something called ‘Ze BayVatch’ - It vorked out quite vell, I actually scored some vork as ein extra, und you may be able to see me on ze beach in ze background of some of ze scenes… If I hadn’t had lost meine copy on VHS, I vould show you…

After a hard days shoot, Dave und I vould often go for some beers und Karaoke… Ve vere once heard singing und offered a record deal, but obviously, because I am a reputable supervillain, trying to keep a low profile, I turned it down, So instead zhey just vent vith Dave….

11. Are you friends with other evil siblings?

Not really, ze Kardasians never return meine calls. 

12. Is there an evil mascot organization? Are you a member of it?

Nein.

13. Is the Mascot life hard, what is it like being a giant (orange) guy?

It is vhat it is. Vhy do you think I don’t make it out into ze public und try to keep a low profile? Its hard to be taken seriously und run an inconspicuous uprising of community endorsing decent beer drinkers, vhen you are a 6 foot tall organic fuzzy individual lederhoser. Vhich is vhy I instead opt for an ‘all in black’ kind of look und ze social media for recruiting of ze henchmen und fräulein fatales to carry out meine plans. It also makes dating qvite difficult.

14. Does being an evil sibling and Mastersteind come easily, or is it hard work?

Ja, Its not zhat difficult, too be honest, vith all of ze gut beer zhat we have around us in zhis area, its not difficult to get ze ‘creative juices flowing’. Meine only stress comes from zhat brozher of meine. I vill keep a vatchful eye on him und make sure he does ein good job…. vhich very frustratingly, he alvays seems to do. 

EH.